I was amazed this past week to find myself, in the pit of despair… well, dangling over the edge. Whether it was hormones or just feeling sorry for myself, I sunk lower as the week went on. With David’s illness last year, and his time off work, we have some heavy financial burdens. We just can’t seem to break free. We work, we pray, we hope, but still we’re just keep sinking so to speak.
God has been using this time of desperation to grow us still further… and I don’t like it. Daily He extends hope in verses and songs. But my ears and heart have felt dull. My Father who owns cattle on a 1000 hills could take care of this and yet, He holds off. We’re not starving or naked or without shelter, but there’s so much debt; tap dancing with bills each month. Somehow it trickles in, last minute, only to start over again.
Why doesn’t He swoop in and clear the slate? I’m so tired of living in constant stress and strain. My underlying resentment is becoming unmistakable. Who exactly am I resentful toward? Who’s in charge? I find moments of peace, yet every time I passed that growing stack of medical bills I want to scream. The lump in my throat stays.
What if He chooses not to answer our prayers for miraculous recovery? What if we go back into surgery with growing debt? Will I let resentment take weed in my heart? How audacious of me! Who do I think I am?? Thank You Lord, the cycle was broken this morning, when I got down on my knees and thoroughly repented. Oh the release and the renewal of JOY!
Thank you Father, for unfairly treating me to Your unfailing love. You remember I am dust and even though my faith is not like Job’s -who never blamed You, You don’t leave me in my miserable state. I don’t understand what You’re doing, but that’s why I serve You… You are God and I am not. Have Your way.
ForGlorySake! –Anna
